Covenant Love: The Must-Have When Marriage Is Hard

Barely surviving the month of May, but finally thriving in my marriage…

Is it okay if I just call May 2025 “May-be not?” Or “Mother, May-I-(Have-A-Do-Over?)”

Cause y’all, it’s been a MONTH.

A month of letting go to allow adult children to fly…and fail.

A month of staying tethered to the truth of God’s character while caught up in a whirlwind of “whys,” “what-nows,” and “what-ifs.”

A month of emotional roller coasters racing amid reminders of just how much my marriage has grown.

So, thank God for June. June holds the promise of new mercies and steadfast love.

God’s, and me and Art’s.

Yesterday was our anniversary.

And by the world’s standards—“look out for number one” and “get out when things get tough”—we probably shouldn’t be celebrating thirty years of marriage.

We were sitting in our small group recently, talking through the ups and downs of life—and it hit me: Art and I were no longer doing marriage “frustrated and alone.” We were doing it “hopeful and together.” We laughed at stories I used to think we’d never get through—much less be able to joke about. We were finally embracing the messy stuff instead of hiding from it. It only took us… thirty years. (The five college degrees between us had no bearing on our slowness to learn in the relationship department.)

It took me right back to June 3, 1995—or “the 1900s,” as my kids like to say, sarcastically.

Weddings were so different back then:

· Guests had to choose a side (the bride or the groom)—like we were trying to set the stage for future division.

· Moms throwing bridal showers? Totally frowned upon.

· “Venue” wasn’t even a thing. You got married at church, and if you were really fancy, you upgraded the church youth room for your reception.

· Everything was over-the-top formal. And while I wasn’t aiming for a “biblical dress,” my train literally “filled the temple.”

Me on June 3, the 1900’s…

But here’s the thing I couldn’t grasp back then:

The wedding is just a beautiful one-day drop in the bucket compared to the lifetime of work it takes to build a strong, lasting marriage—one that’s much more than a clever hashtag.

Once the guests are gone, the glitter is vacuumed up, and the dress is in the attic, real life begins. Marriage means every decision affects someone else. If I hurt you, I’m ultimately hurting me. It’s no longer “me” but “us.” I was often shocked at the distance our disagreements and selfishness put between us, and I regularly felt like everyone else had access to some secret peacekeeping sauce we’d never purchased.

What kept us together through all the chaos was our commitment to the Covenant.

We’ve broken many of the promises we’ve made. We haven’t always shown love in sickness and in health. We haven’t always supported, trusted, or elevated one another above our own needs. But we’ve stayed—on our belief that quitting is not an option.

Our Covenant is based on the ultimate love covenant made by God with us through the sacrifice of Jesus. Jesus modeled the ultimate sacrificial covenant of love—He gave everything (Romans 5:8). Marriage isn’t 50/50. It’s you giving 100% no matter what you’re getting in return.* Jesus kept His covenant even when it was hard—even sweating-blood hard. Even in our “this isn’t what I was expecting” hard.

To covenant like Jesus, we must love like Jesus. Like the shepherd leaving the 99 to pursue the one, we keep pursuing. Like the Lamb whose life is given for the sake of others, we choose to sacrifice our rights and desires for the sake of our spouse. And just like our names are tattooed on the hand of God, showing we belong to Him forever, our names are forever stamped together in a lasting covenant—proof that we are better together because God is the faithful third cord in the rope of our covenant.

So, if your marriage feels like a struggle right now, let me just say this from the heart: You’re not alone. Choose the Covenant over convenience, comfort, or conceit.

Choose to stay.

Endure the wait. Ours has been hard-won and long-enduring. But it has been holy. It has resulted in lasting joy—the kind that lingers long after the guests have gone and the honeymoon is a distant memory. The kind that comes when a landfill of hard seasons is behind you—and you know there will be more ahead—but you’re no longer fighting each other, but fighting for and with one another.

I’m praying that one day you’ll have the opportunity to look back in the rearview mirror and see just how far you’ve come.

Together.

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Speaking of “together,” this week’s podcast episode is about all things Biblical Community. We give the whys, the hows, and the who withs in episode #104 of UnPerfect, plus share another Shelly/Jody tale of “Weird Things My Car Is Used For.”

Take a listen below!

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A little housekeeping/news for Subscribers:

You might’ve noticed there was no newsletter last month. That was… unintentionally intentional. As I hinted before, May felt like one of those Fail Army clips where a guy runs screaming from a fake snake tied to his pant leg. But it also gave me space to reflect on my writing life—and honestly, cranking out a blog post every week was crowds out some other writing I feel pulled toward.

Going forward, you’ll still get a weekly heads-up about the latest podcast episode. But I’m saving the first week of each month for deeper reflections and the occasional Shelly-shenanigans. If you haven’t already, subscribe to stay in the loop—and feel free to forward this email to a friend who might enjoy being part of our delightfully UnPerfect community!